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Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Divorce proof your marriage? Any thoughts?

8 ways to divorce-proof your marriage
Simple tips to keep your love for life.
By Kat Tancock

"Divorce-proofing is a daily, ongoing task," says Sharon Y. Ramsay, a Toronto-based marriage and family therapist. "It takes real work to make it for the long haul." But do you know what to focus on? Here are eight ways to make your marriage work for good.

1. Talk, and listen
Make sure to share your thoughts with each other, daily, if possible, and to take interest in each other's lives. "I am yet to consult with a couple who has not pointed to 'poor communication' as the source of their relationship woes," says Ramsay. Also, she adds, make sure to check in with your spouse to ensure that they're truly hearing what you're saying -- and that you're receiving and understanding right back. "This is a responsibility that both people share," Ramsay says.
2. Kiss goodbye and hello
"Hugs, kisses, quick squeezes, even holding one another's gaze are ways in which the couple can affirm their connection and commitment to one another," says Ramsay. Pausing for a hug and a kiss before you leave for work in the morning may seem like a small thing, but the warm glow it gives you is something to look back on all day.

3. Do fun activities together
Find a shared outside activity: Ballroom dancing, jogging, foreign films and gardening are some examples Ramsay suggests. They can help you both keep learning about each other, she says. "While these hobbies can seem frivolous, they can actually serve to remind the couple of what they have in common and encourage them to relate to one another as a real people."

4. Have independent lives
Don't live life glued together. Make sure to have your own hobbies, interests and friends on top of your shared activities; you'll maintain a sense of your own individual identity and have lots to talk about with your partner to boot. "Before we ever knew our spouse existed on the planet," says Ramsay, "we had dreams, ambitions and interests that probably contributed to us making that love connection." She suggests that both partners continue to pursue at least one independent hobby or activity in order to nourish both themselves and their relationship.

5. Plan ahead
From parenting philosophies to thoughts on money to prioritizing goals and dreams, marriage means making plans together -- and the earlier, the better. Financial planning, for instance, says Ramsay, "can often be a deal-breaker in a marriage." Don't assume that your partner knows how you feel about important issues -- sit down and discuss them before they have the chance to become a problem.

6. Fight with a purpose
Handling conflict constructively is key. Ramsay recommends a three-point plan for making sure fights have a positive outcome. First, she says, acknowledge that every couple faces arguments, and that they're "not an indication that the relationship is doomed." Second, she says, "each person should examine their own contribution to the conflict and be prepared to own up to it." Finally, she adds, both partners have to be able to spell out what upset them and how they would like the problem to be resolved. "By having this level of clarity," Ramsay says, "the couple is then in a position to talk about what happened in a focused way."

7. Make time for intimacy
"Sex is really the culmination of all of the little things that are done throughout the day," Ramsay says, "a reminder of how much you enjoy your spouse." So, the more, the better, right? Well, it's not so simple. What is important is that you are meeting each other's needs for intimacy -- which means they need to be articulated, as well (see 1, above). And intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex, per se. "The broader the couple's physical repertoire, the better," says Ramsay. This means that everything from kisses to cuddles to shared glances is game.

8. Focus on the positive
Sometimes, all it takes to brighten someone's mood is an honest compliment from someone he or she loves. One consequence of being part of a deeply committed relationship is trusting your partner's opinion, whether it's a compliment or a put-down. Don't take this power for granted. So if you think your partner looks cute in her new dress, say so -- and if you're not crazy about the shoes, keep your mouth shut. It's all about the greater good, after all.

1 comment:

Sue said...

Very wise advise on this subject of marriage. I like to add, is commitment. If you are not a committed person to a relationship no matter what you do or how you act or react to something it isn't going to work. For example, I came from a divorced family and I was committed to make my marriage work because I had children and I knew what it was like to live without a father and I didn't want my kids to go through that.

Marriage is a lot of work to keep it alive and kicking. That is why there are so many divorces because the couple just gives up to quickly rather than fight in what they believe in. It is much easier to just walk away from a problem than to face the problem head-on.

I am one of the statistics, where in reality I was way too young to get married, according to some people. But, I was determined from the start that I was going to make it work and last forever. Yes, I was extremely frightened to make that step into marriage at the age of just turning 17, but I was committed to it working.

I had a son prior to meeting my husband and I found a lovely man that was willing to take me and my 2 month old son (when he met me) to be his wife. Three months later we were married and a year later we produced another little boy. So, here we are almost 34 yrs into a marriage.

Was it easy, Hell No! Was it worth it, Hell Yes!

I believe in marriage and the committment to each other as a family, whether you have kids or no kids.