Work & anger

Aunt Cindy was talking about what her kids might remember from their childhood. she mentioned that her oldest daughter told her that one day when they were supposed to be napping she wasn't tired. So she started looking down but saw her mother coming up the stairs, and her mother's face looked so angry that she was scared and she went and hid. And Aunt Cindy said that she felt bad that this was one of the memories that her daughter had of her and of childhood. But she said, I was really angry then. I had no help and every time I turned around there was something else to be done. It was an angry time.
Hearing her say that actually makes me feel so much better. Especially because it's coming from someone like Aunt Cindy. I mean, you can find all kind of stories on that topic in parenting magazines and articles, but it's somehow different coming from someone you know. And especially someone so very religious and into gender roles coming from God himself. Stuff about how while the kids are young is a tough time on a marriage because women generally feel very resentful towards their spouse or life in general. Because no matter how you slice it, women always have more to do. "Working" or stay at home or any combination in between, women do all the extras. Even with an enlightened spouse/partner. When both work, the man comes home and relaxes from his job, the woman starts the second shift at home. If a woman goes to part time after having a baby co-workers are often resentful of her "extra" time. Yet for a woman, extra time is usally extra time for her family, not for her-if a man has extra time, it usually does mean extra time for him. And if the woman doesn't work outside the home, then the job is 24/7 generally-with no time off for a to and from work commute, no period to relax from the stresses of the job. And frequently because she isn't earning income, the woman doesn't feel she can ask for help with the chores or kids.

Lets just ignore the chore aspect of it-the actual watching and caring for the kids and the household duties-who keeps track of doctor/dentist/specialist appointments? Who makes them and takes the kids to them? Who gets and gives the medications? Who keeps track of the childcare supplies like diapers and wipes and shampoos and vitamins? Who keeps track of when they need new clothes and shoes and socks or when it's time to put clothes away because they are no longer seasonally appropriate? Who knows when the baseball or soccer games are or the music lessons or scouts? Who makes sure the child looks presentable before taking them to see relatives or even to the store? Generally it's the woman who keeps a running tally of all this information.

My point is not that men are evil or even that all men are like this. There are always exceptions, for one thing. And while I think the vast majority of men do fit in with the above picture, I think that it's partly out of ignorance and social expectations. It's not entirely their fault. It wouldn't occur to them to do many of the things I mentioned. And sometimes women do enjoy being the one to do more of the child related stuff. But still-this puts an awful lot of strain on a woman doing it all, and often the fact that it isn't acknowledged or appreciated is what makes it really hard. I'm not pretending to have the answer here. I'm just saying that it felt good to hear someone else voice that it made her angry too. Sometimes just hearing it said can make you feel better.