It's not ALL because of me

I enjoyed this post from Heart of the Matter Online.  Particularly in today's parenting climate when we think we can find the cause for every aspect of personality, of every aspect of disease or disorder; I think it's important to remember that we parents are not responsible for it ALL!  Life cannot be that tightly controlled, we cannot plan for every aspect of life and claim blame for everything that goes wrong despite our plans. 
Also, some kids are just born wild!    :  )

The Post "It's Not Because of Me" by Christine Hiester:
I was an arrogant mom when I was a mom of one. From about 6 months old, our firstborn was the picture-perfect child. He was happy, easy-going, smart, and never had a moment of the terrible twos. He held my hand when asked, ate what he was told to eat, was always happy to help, went to bed like a dream, napped well, didn’t have a fear of babysitters, or toilets, or the dark. He gave up his pacifier without a fuss, learned his alphabet at 18 months, had a killer golf swing at 2 (which thrilled my husband to no end), always responded promptly when I sang the Barney “Clean Up” song, and was basically the source of my big head for his whole only-child life.

I knew it was because of me. I was, quite simply, a great mom.

Then came his little sister. She was God’s way of humbling my sorry butt, and I can practically see Him snickering behind his hand as she tumbled down into our family. Our second born was (and still is) our whiner. She has a throw-herself-on-the-ground temper, more phobias than I’ve ever seen in a child, and an impulsive streak that drags all within earshot to the dark side (she has two little brothers who hang on her every word). She has a terrible time with math, complains every time she has to take a bite of a dinner she doesn’t like even though we’ve had the same rule since before she was born, can’t keep her room neat for 10 consecutive seconds, and often is the reason I collapse into bed at night absolutely certain that I am ruining her for life.
And so I began to wonder: Lord, is it because of me??

Of course it is! If my first child was the result of my fabulous parenting skills, isn’t she the result of my failures?

This kind of thinking haunted me for the first years of her life. I may not have verbalized it quite as bluntly, but it was there- the thought niggling at the back of my mind, causing anxiety and sleepless nights. I read book after book about parenting and disciplining the challenging child, the strong-willed child, the spirited child. I tried method after method, reward charts and consequence charts, spankings and time outs, yet there was no currency that motivated this child. I was wearing thin and wearing out, yet she and her feisty spirit wouldn’t wear down.

I thank God for that spirit. And it has been in the last few years that I have begun to see my daughter for who she is, not for what I can mold her into. She is, plainly speaking, a mold-breaker and no amount of shoving and twisting on my part will fit her into anyone else’s idea of who she should be.

This lesson came directly from the throne of God. I couldn’t have learned it with an obedient, compliant, and easy-going child such as my oldest. It horrifies me to think that I could have continued to go through life with the parental arrogance I once had, but at the same time I need to realize that I also shouldn’t beat myself up for being a parenting failure.

You see, as I have learned in my ten years of mothering, it’s not all because of me.

My son’s ability to memorize multiplication facts with ease? Not because of me.

My daughter’s daily tantrums? Not because of me.

Successes. Failures. Triumphs. Weaknesses. Not because of me.
Now, lest you think that I am giving up all responsibility for my children’s education and character, let me say emphatically that I believe in intentional parenting. I take my role seriously, and seek to guide my children with the strength and grace provided me by God each and every day.
But I believe that God’s intentions, far more than mine, will prevail. And many of those I’m not always privy to. We cannot know the purposes that God has in store for our little ones. And their personalities, strengths and weaknesses, as well as their genetic predispositions, are all formed, and intimately known, by God.
So while I cherish my role, and still long for that perfect parenting strategy and educational method (who doesn’t!), I have released my children to the Lord, and released myself to His leading.
Many are the plans in a man’s (mom’s!) heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 19:21

Christine Hiester is a Christian, homeschooling mom to three boys and a girl, ranging in age from 10 to 3 years old. She is a musician by trade, eclectic in homeschool style, and continues to grow and learn along with her children in this journey of life and discipleship at home. Visit her blog at Fruit in Season.