Expectations of help

An article on expectations of help. Basically a male author talks about how he and his wife were surprised to find that her relatives, who lived close and had seemed so excited to meet the baby suddenly dropped off the face of the earth shortly after the child's birth. They had expected a little more-maybe a phone call to ask how they or the baby was, offers for a cooked meal here and there or occasional babysitting. The author's mother in law stayed with them for the first three months though until she had to go back home (far away). They don't ask for help because they feel it'd be a sign of weakness and the wife's family never offers any. Miscommunication occurs and hurt feelings are on both sides. Eventually they reconcile with regular unsolicited calls for babysitting and even a spa package donated for the couple! Wow.

Here's a link to the article, "The Incredible Disappearing Family" and here's a link to the comments.

I like most of the commenters, am jealous! Even in the situation the author describes, it seems as though they have more help than most people do. And they were still struggling. But maybe both are working demanding jobs? Multiple jobs? Who knows, maybe they just have more trouble during the early years and will have few problems with an older child. Everyone has a different situation. Does it make you a bad parent if it takes a while to adjust? The author really got slammed for this article because people felt he was whiny with absolutely no reason for it. Suck it up, they said! Many said they had it harder and managed and didn't expect any help. (my favorite was the woman who cooked a Christmas meal for her husband and in laws the day after giving birth. They let her do that) Some suggested if they found it that hard they shouldn't procreate. Many pointed out that parents have no business expecting help from anyone at any time. And others said you should either hire help or find other parents to exchange babysitting and favors with.
I take issue with this modern ideal of complete self-sufficiency. Although you may be granted a pass if you can afford to pay for help, otherwise, depend on no one, ever. I think it's ridiculous to assume that parenting, one of the weightiest responsibilities people have, should be performed from birth to self sufficiency by only two people. (This attitude rears it's head in discussions about absent grandparents as well.) Do people not realize that it's not only the parents that benefit from having other people involved in raising a family? Children benefit from having more loving individuals in their lives, more varied experiences, and differing values that they are exposed to, and of course they benefit by having less stressed parents. The people helping the family benefit from their relationships with the children and with their grateful parents. And it's nice to feel useful. Society benefits because happy loved and loving children make better citizens. For most of time, in most of the world, people lived with extended family or in communities where everyone helped with child rearing. And even back a few generations ago, although grandparents may not have still lived with their grandchildren, parents still had more support from the community-from their neighbors and churches and organizations. Today we isolate ourselves and say parents must bear that incredible task alone. If you need help you are either weak or inept or have an "entitlement mentality."
I don't think parents should expect people to help in certain ways or at certain times, but a general expectation that relatives who live close Will help in whatever ways they are able, when they are able......I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I believe that's how child rearing was meant to occur, for the benefit of all. People, particularly family, SHOULD help each other. The author mentions that eventually they realize that they were forgetting that the relatives also worked all week long, and their weekends were precious to them also and that others might not be aware they could use some free time....they were wrapped up in a bubble of new parenting and sleep deprivation and they weren't seeing things clearly. They were selfish too. That happens. Doesn't make them bad people. It' just makes me sad that so many people are so quick to judge (and judge so harshly); and condemn parents for wanting what's been normal for most of time. As one commenter said, " I've always found it incredibly sad that modern society in America has stopped expecting its people to really invest in the nurturing and care of a new family."

I also like this comment:
Wow, what a bunch of jackasses. I agree, the writer's tone is a bit over-the-top, and 3 months worth of help is nothing to complain about. But, seriously, what is wrong with you people? Why shouldn't we reasonably expect or hope for certain things from our family, especially when we generally have a good relationship with them? Not because of entitlement per se, but just because family *should* do things for each other. My family does things for me; I do things for them that aren't convenient.

And I'm so sick of the "you chose to have the kid" attitude. Believe it or not, even in this age of chemical birth control, not all couples *choose* to have kids, or, I should say, *plan* their children. Sometimes kids just happen, and some of us happen to believe that kids are a *natural* part of family life, not something that you *get* after you've got your career, house and SUV (or Prius, whatever) all in line. I think that the "you chose it" attitude is a huge part of the hostility on here: "Why should anyone have to clean up anyone else's mess?" It sounds like half the people on here have rotten parents who can't be bothered, and now they've clearly picked up the attitude. *sigh* No wonder why our world sucks. Most of you accuse the author of an entitlement attitude, but your own attitudes scream, "I'm entitled to not have to worry about anyone but myself, EVER!"

You can't always plan out every detail of your life, and often not even the big stuff. People expect that responsible people should plan just the right moment to have children, if they do. And if they have more than one, then you should plan out the spacing of them beforehand as well. Your car and your house and your perfect job should be in place beforehand......one commenter even said since parents have about seven months to prepare beforehand, they should arrange for all help before birth. As though everyone knows exactly what their baby will be like and what they will be like as parents, as though you know what your thresholds will be! That is something you don't find out until afterwards!!!

Just very sad, in my opinion. Anyone else have any thoughts on this?