Remembrance, for my kids

Five years ago I had recently gone back to work after having Leanna. My day off was always a Tuesday and I had plans to go out to breakfast and shopping with my Mom to celebrate my birthday. My mother-in-law decided to come also. We were sitting inside the dinner, Leanna sitting in her car seat sleeping, when I heard the news. People in the dinner were talking about planes crashing. What!? My Mom said that she'd heard something about that-the first one-on the radio. The seriousness of it just hadn't hit yet. We listened to the talk there and finished up and headed over to the mall. I remember that we had Aunt Karen's old light blue stroller in my Mom's trunk instead of my big blue one. Leanna laid in that as we pushed her through the mall. She was so quiet back then. Just a happy little 3 month old baby.......I remember that Sue hadn't had her weight loss surgery yet and was having trouble walking in the mall. It turned out to be ok though because the stores were closing around us. Because of the plane crashes no one knew what was going on-could the entire country be under attack? They didn't know how far it would go and what would be the intended targets. So at first just individual shops were closing, then an announcement was made that the entire mall would be closing. One day my kids may read this and find it strange that they closed a mall in PA-why would you target that?? But I think the country was scared, at the moment it was just a different mindset. What had just happened was just so unbelievable that anything seemed possible. It was so hard to wrap your mind around the fact that the twin towers were gone........so many people were gone, vanished so quickly.......it could so easily have been you or someone you loved, just going to work......a feeling of safety and superiority that America had enjoyed was gone.

I grew up at the end of the cold war, with the general feeling that our country really was the greatest in the world. There was always talk of nuclear war, but that always seemed so remote a possibility. If there was anywhere you could feel safe, America was it. We had the best weapons, the best intelligence, you name it. That feeling of security was forever destroyed that morning.

Then there was the horrifying realization that someone could purposely do something like this. That's a simple statement, but to think that someone planned to take the lives of all the people on the planes and all the people inside those two towers and the pentagon and the capital or wherever the other intended target was.........people who had nothing to do with America's policies, defenseless people who were just going about their lives. That's awful. Those terrorists decided to die, but took that choice away from those around them, looking at the faces of the others on the plane and knowing it was their last day on earth. How do you justify that? It's not like it was a plane full of politicians who could be held responsible in the terrorist's minds. Someone despised us enough to do such a horrible thing, and that's quite a realization.

America was not as safe a place as we had thought. A dangerous man like Osama had been allowed to slip through the cracks and had masterminded such a plan......the terrorists were trained to fly, here, and allowed to get on the airplanes, and we just weren't prepared to respond to a situation like that.

Well, to get back to my story, that day we quickly went to Walmart and looked around there for a while. The mood was killed, obviously. We cut the trip short. At work that week people were handing out little pins of the American flag, and soon there were people selling them in front of the store. America was both terrified and defiant. Pride in our country ran very very high.

Everyone was in shock for quite a while. This wasn't the sort of thing that wears off after a day or two. News coverage was constant, and we watched quite a bit of news. Especially as a new parent I had to wonder, what kind of a world was I bringing children into? How do I keep them safe? People die early as a result of accidents and sickness, but something like this-so deliberate and evil-just isn't part of the natural order. The world had become such a scary place. And times goes on, and the shock and all the feelings fade.........and here we are five years after that day. There are all kinds of specials and tributes, though I think it's too soon for that. After the holocaust author Eli Weisel took a personal vow of silence for 10 years to fully process what had happened. What poured out afterwards was beautiful. I think we would have been wise as a country to do the same. So I sit here, putting my version of that day here as a record for my children. Do I trust that we are safer? No, just more aware. 9/11 and hurricane Katrina have eroded any trust that our country will take care of us. I think America is in it's decline. So all I can do is just try to raise my children as best I know how and hope that they are able to live happy lives in spite of it all.